So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
