remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him