matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
