I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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