Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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