He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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