I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
