I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
