what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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