How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
