new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
