she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I am one with the molecules
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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