i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
