Are we in a gay sports bar?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize