the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
