what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
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I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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