Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She bit a glass in half.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
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my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
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my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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