I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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