Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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