I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize
