Cold hands, warm shart.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
