And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
