Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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