WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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