My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
