i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
