Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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