onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
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Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
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I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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