I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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