Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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