Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
