Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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