Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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