he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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