Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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