At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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