Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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