just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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