Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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