I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
