If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
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