i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
