I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
