If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
