I checked into jail on foursquare
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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