im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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