k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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