I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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