my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Your cock deserves a montage
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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