hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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