I'm gonna have a badass scar
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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