we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You're like the curious george of whores
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize