the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
