when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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